The ABCs to Change
“Change” is something guaranteed in this life.
Even when you’re experiencing something new and positive, like moving to a new home/city/place, starting a new job, committing to a new relationship, getting married, or growing your family, you can find yourself in a muddy bucket of stress.
Oh how I can very much relate to this as I am experiencing a major life change this month.
With clients, I find myself describing the the past 26 months using an onion as a metaphor. In therapy, we are trying to get to the core of that onion as we move through the different layers in life. The thicker parts of the onion are juicier, more hearty, much like the topic at hand during each session.
The outer layer… the thin flaky outer covering of the onion attached to the weedy tips is the “stress of the pandemic”: whether it be the COVID-19 virus itself, or the idea of quarantine and social distancing, that outer layer is what is at the surface.
When we peel it off, peel it back, we are exposed to our true selves. In my work with clients, especially over the past two years, the uncovering of that outer layer is the key to examining what the important layers of focus are and to allow change to happen.
The original title of this blog was written as “New Beginnings”. As I am starting a new business in Raincross Family Therapy and experiencing a whole lot of “new” in my personal life and adjusting to the idea of everything opening up again, post-social-distancing, it seemed to fit more. But soon, as we get into the “A-B-C’s” of Change, the focus is less on the “new”.
I am inviting you to embrace change with me. What I have to offer is something simple: to let the changes and stressors that you encounter to grow you, to awaken you, and for you to avoid allowing the change to cripple you. We (the world!) have survived what could have been a crippling change in the past two years. Many of us could disagree that we haven’t survived just yet. Many we know barely made it through without experiencing emotional pain, heartache, loss, or maybe were even emotionally crippled from the stress of the pandemic.
What I have is not a solution. My ABC’s to Change are not a cure.
I am sharing only what I suggest to others and implement in my own life. This plus much self-awareness will be essential to avoiding the crippling mentioned above.
So, ‘here goes!
A - ACTIVATE your support system.
“A” does not require you to “get a therapist”. This first step is to encourage you to assess the support system you already have and have intentional conversations about how others can be there for you. It is healthy to have a person (or a group of people) in your life who you reach out to to distract you. They might not be able to offer advice or relate to what you are experiencing, but the relationship is valuable because they spend time with you or talk to you or literally distract you to keep your mind off of the current stresses/stressors. But they key component for this person or category of people is that they need to know that they are playing that role in your life. Your needs in the relationship need to be communicated. You could say, “I really value your friendship and role in my life. I have been encouraged to activate my support system while I am going through this custody battle (enter life change/stressor) and I really appreciate when you share a meal with me and talk about celebrity gossip. It keeps my mind off of the stress and grounds me to a world outside of this messy court battle”.
In the same way, you can activate people in your life who are directly involved in helping decrease the stress. It is important to literally activate their role by communicating what you need and when. It is important that while thanking them, you remind them that the change/stress is temporary, that they will have the lower stress version of you back soon! You can say “I am so grateful that you are with me in this season. I value you as a part of my support system and I am so grateful for your friendship. I know that my needs right now have been bigger than usual, and at the end of this season, I know I will feel poured into. My hope is that after this season, I will feel like myself again, so thank you for being there for me.”
B - BALANCES & BOUNDARIES
In the season of change, it is so hard for me to say “no”. I am a go-getter. The helpful friend. The girl who doesn’t like to miss out on the fun. I have a large and loud Filipino family with a full calendar - it is rare for me to miss out on opportunities and excitement.
But…..oh, it is so important to find balance. If I want to manage my stress during this new change, I have to say “no” to the hardest person to say it to: myself. I have to “die” to the the belief that “missing out” is going to result in some kind of level of failure. I have to learn to believe that saying “yes” to pausing and resting is the key to peace and balance in my life.
There’s so many books written about the “power” of “NO”. It’s hard to disagree with any author advising how effective a “no” could be.
Last thing about boundaries: a “no” is much easier to change than a “yes”. When you first say “yes”, changing your decision to a “no” later (or worse: last minute), is proven to be a very stressful decision. In contrast, saying “no” first, but then being able to change your decision to a “yes” is a healthier route.
So, practice that “no”… Here’s some suggestions:
No thank you, but sounds lovely
I appreciate the offer, but it’s not a good time
Sounds great, but I can’t commit
I am not really into it, but thank you for asking
I am not taking on anything else right now
C - CARE for yourself!
My roles:
a therapist
a wife
a mom of 3
a professor
a supervisor
a business owner
a daughter
a sister
a friend
There’s probably more I can add to my list of roles but they do not define me. I have to ask myself, who is “Reba”? Without all of those roles, who am I? What makes me unique? What makes up “who I am”? There is so much more to who I am than “what I do”. And when you find out who you are, and you like who you are, the next step is simple": take care of you and watch yourself grow.
The self-care is unique to who you are:
What kind of music do you like? Make a playlist - play it often! Maybe even go to a concert or a live show.
What do you like to do? Do you have a hobby? Do you have a sport you love to play or watch? What makes you happy? What is something that you miss? How do you express gratitude? How do you express love? How do you describe your personality? How often do you complain? What are the things you care about? What are things that hurt you or make you sad? In what ways are you contributing to the world?
Find what works in taking care of yourself and do it regularly. Decide what that looks like for each self-care task. Maybe you always have a concert/event to look forward too each quarter or month. Big or small, schedule it and follow through.
I have endless questions about who you are. I have endless hope for you to (C) care for yourself, love yourself, and be motivated for life’s changes to grow you. The therapist that I am wants for you to find peace and balance (B) in your life and maintain it. And the extroverted Christian that I am wants you to know who your people are (A). When you feel seen by those in your life who care about you, the community, love, and fellowship will be like having valuable gems in your pocket.
Change is good. Change is needed. Change is promised to us.
Welcome the “change” in your life. Allow yourself to be changed as well.
